In sad news today it has been revealed the Ringo Starr has Dementia.
Ringo lashed out at his hallucinated "fans" who had been sending too much mail. The dementia was further showcased when Ringo asserted that he did not have enough time to answer all the mail because he was too busy...
1) Be able to ingest an overwhelming amount of CGI without complaining. If you're having trouble with this then just think about the first time you watched Jar Jar Binks and be thankful that all the major characters are Real Live Actors.
2) Enjoy stereotypes, and carry a certain distaste for people of the Russian nature.
3) Have an already established enjoyment of Shia LaBeouf. Revel in pronouncing his name repetitively with increasing emphasis on "Le-boof".
4) Harbour a revulsion for reality, and action movies based on the scientific laws that govern our world.
5) Understand that Human Growth Hormone has prolonged the careers of not just athletes, but many actors as well.
Don't expect anyone to feel bad for Mr. Duchovny's unfortunate human vibrator disorder. A movie star, a sex icon, and an uncontrolled desire to copulate?
Dear Mr. Duchovny, I'm sorry you are afflicted with "breeding stud syndrome". Best wishes in you recovery. Sincerely, A confused and crying G-ranical
But really all we care about in this fantastic(DAMNIT!),err "sad" story, is details. DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS!
Are we talking five times a day? Ten?
Multiple women? Large parties? Are there costumes?
Pets...
Without some of these questions answered this story is a moo point.
I fear my G-ranting has come too little and much too late.
The dance has spread to the youtube viewers and now there's no stopping it.
Run, hide, ostracize your friends and relatives...
It will do no good. No human shall walk immune. All I can suggest is that you prepare for the coming hysteria by enjoying your last few days Law and Order free.
For as the disease takes hold you shall lose all control of limbs and bowels and your senses shall focus entranced upon the NBC dial.
Dick Wolf, the creator of the Law and Order television show, is up to his old tricks again. As previously prophesied by the one and only G-rant, Wolf has begun to spread his Law and Order empire through the one medium left untouched by his feminine and far reaching hands.
Dance.
Here we can see that he(or his undercover super-agents) have used the popular JibJab system to install even more persuasive advertising and subliminal messages into the minds of the innocent internet population.
How long before we give up our natural rights to the power of Vincent D'Onofrio's eyes?
Whoops! Not that Vincent D'Onofrio. I was thinking of a Vincent D'Onofrio that was less psychotic and more happy... more liberated...more...
flexible?
Eat your heart out Will Ferrell
Still not convinced that Wolf will soon possess your soul? Maybe some Irish Dancers will do the trick.
Our new overlord has arrived and it's already begun to enslave us with its dark beats and shackle us with joyful rhythm. It will invade our psyche during any waking hour, and hammer through our dreams with the ferocity of a post traumatic stress disorder.
It was not created in some new age, chic, European Club, nor did a 19 year old with an innocent face and not so innocent clothing introduce it through the MTV medium. It wasn't seen by millions of people on an uber- popular blog site(Although, like any trendy new media, it didn't take long for the original video to go viral) and it didn’t take off through a grassroots movement in the suburban landscape.
The Law and Order dance debuted on the Late Night with Conan O'Brien show when Canadian comedian Will Arnett proclaimed his affection for the hit drama series before showcasing his Frankenstein creation. He then proceeded to sexualize his invention in a manner only becoming of a cocky, deep throated, Canadian entertainer with a flair for the ridiculous.
You’re probably asking yourself how a seemingly innocent gimmick dance could do anything more than slightly amuse a fringe group of hardcore viewers. But what you foolishly are oblivious to is the addictive nature of the song/dance combo.
And to cut you off before your perverted minds get started, no, it has nothing to do with Arnett’s smooth hips and slender legs. If you could get your minds out of the gutter for a quick minute you would begin to understand how little importance Arnett's model like face holds. You would clearly understand how the haunting drums and piercing guitar travel through your auditory senses and light up your brain like a Christmas tree.
The song stimulates the soul and forces one to release all socially constructed inhibitions in order to explore their inner dance demon. The best part of this experience is that there are no rules. You just allow the extraordinary amusement park of your mind to unleash its creative mechanism. Arnett enjoys using his air guitar and miming other key instruments like the keyboard but a person can go as deep into hallucination as they feel appropriate.
I, for instance, like to pretend that I’m in a different TV viewer’s bedroom every time I play and that the occupants of said room begin making love to the my mystical sounds. They become enthralled by the magic man’s seemingly invisible instruments and sexy gestures. Their bodies respond to my...magic.
(Cough)
Of course this will forever remain a simple mental vacation for the real action of such thoughts tends to bring policeman and restraining orders with it.
There’s still a chance you’re unconvinced to the worthiness of my mystic foretelling of the future because you simply may not believe in fun. You could be one of those people that don’t enjoy dressing up in makeup and growling like a lion just because you caught the last half an hour of a Wizard of Oz re-run.
Don’t worry; we don’t think you’re a freak. You’ve just been cursed with a childhood that involved too much math and not enough Jello.
But the question still remains: Why will this tune reign supreme? The answer is simple. For some unknown and incalculable reason there’s exists a tremendous amount of linguistic magic in the words “Law and Order”. By including this simple lexicon in the title, Arnett cemented its legacy.
The Law And Order Dance.
Say it out loud.
You’ve already begun to notice how nice that feels on the tongue and that some strange combinations of nerves have erupted throughout your body. Well you’re not the first person to be seduced by these simple looking words which the universe tends to grant success. Big, big, big success.
It’s like Dick Wolf sold his soul to the devil and in return he got three wishes: An ultra talented group of writers, an addictive Mike Post song, and Chris Noth.
...Well maybe not Chris Noth but he’d be on my list.
And unlike other drama’s, Law and Order has the ability to reach all ages. They don’t have the graphic violence of a CSI, nor the outright immorality of a Desperate Housewives. They have a long running reputation(since 1990) and a fan base that passes through multiple demographics. If you aren’t watching the show now then somebody in your immediate family is. And if you’re still a young, untouched virgin to Lennie Briscoe then your world is about to be busted apart. This is basically how the plague will spread.
"Did you see the Law and Order dance?"
"Law and Order? That's my dad's favourite show."
"I know. My dad's as well. And now they have a dance."
"We should do it to mock their show and make them mad “
"Obviously"
“It’ll be so off the hizzle my nizzle”
“Totally”
And so even as young pre-teens worry about finding the right Hanna Montana apparel and as they quarrel over how embarrassing Becky and Stacy must be because of their new pigtail haircuts, they slowly but surely sink into the trap that is the Dick Wolf Empire. They have only so much time before Mr. Goebbles, err, Wolf entangles them in his lucrative web of street shakedowns and courtroom wars.
And unfortunately for every Law and Order junky who wants to get off their drama “smack”, there’s an abundance of the show across the digital mediums just teasing the addict to indulge.
It’s like the Simpsons in that it has mass infiltration of all multiple major television stations throughout the sprawling lands of cable and satellite TV suburbia.
But what about our lowly inventor you wonder? Where does he stand in this wealthy land of syndication and ancillary rights?
Right where he likes it; in sometimes dirty, but always hilarious movie and TV productions. The man who successfully indoctrinated a nation with his neo-chicken dance on the critically acclaimed “Arrested Development” will never go short of work.
And if Hollywood does unceremoniously turn its fickle back on him than he could easily transition to the stage or even back to his origins of mainstream success; the godly resounding voice of TV commercials.
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